The Hardwork Of Living A Better Life
I wish I could say that walking away from the ugliness I had created was easy. That the pain and suffering was enough in and of itself to be a means to an end. I wish there was a secret to regaining your life after addiction, some kind of cure-all or miracle medicine.
Truth is, there is little I have faced in my entire life that was as frightening, as mentally and physically demanding as letting go of these vices, let alone the anger and hatred I had housed in my heart for so long. It takes great devotion to successfully separate habitual practices from common nature and reinventing who you become after years of abuse, be it by others or even your own hands. Nothing was harder than coming face to face with my sins. Well, except for maybe admitting them to God and now, you my lovely readers.
Still, as difficult as this road has been, the rewards have been twice as powerful. The reward of knowing that my children will have their mother, not an absent parent. The reward of knowing others have found comfort in the testimonies shared here, if only for a moment. Just long enough to spark the fire of recovery within them as well. These alone have been an honor I had underestimated and at times over looked.
It’s easy to get caught up in the lies and misleading’s of the Jezebel spirit. Thinking that you’re working for good, then realizing you’ve sought out personal gain and let the world’s hatred for truth push you back into a hole. Silencing your voice, damaging your spirit and staining the message you had once held onto with steady hands.
In writing this series I’ve been humbled tremendously.
I found myself seeking God’s help in desires of my own, not His will. Refusing to hear Him, because I wanted to send my message, not His. This inevitably opened the door to old comforts.
I learned quite quickly that sobriety was not going to be a battle I could continue on my own. Years of feeling I wasn’t worthy of His love, His son’s promise to protect us should we call on Him and the idea that if only I could prove to myself that I had control, then I would be ready to devote my life wholeheartedly to Christ.
It’s insane, I know!
This past Sunday I fought back against those lies, listening to God’s call by spontaneously giving my life back to Christ through baptism.
It was surreal. Just thinking about it now, my heart begins to flutter.
Two weeks ago I found myself craving fellowship, knowing I was getting lost and needed some outside help. Pride told me research on my own, but God told me who to call on and so I did.
One of those beautiful souls was Nicole, of My Casual Reflections. She heard me, without judgement and helped guide me towards the scriptures I needed in this battle for my life, more importantly my soul.
As suggested, I dove straight into reading Ephesians. This is where I discovered The Armor of God. The words jumped at me, flying right off the page and into my heart.
“For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against rulers of the darkness of this workd, against spiritual wickedness in high places.
Wherefore take unto you the whole armour of God, that ye may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.”
To those who have never known addiction, and more importantly never seen the demons it can invite; never heard their voices, felt their touch within you and been opened to a world that sought to rip you apart, I cannot explain to you what these words meant to me.
To think that there was armor out there, with my name on it and God’s power. All I had to do was accept it and believe in Him.
Sunday was His day to remind me that I am not alone. That these addictions, though deeply rooted in my past, are not welcome in my future. That He is stronger than me and my struggles, therefore capable of more than I am.
His Power Is Like Nothing Else
When the Pastor asked me if I wanted to say anything before being baptized my whole body began to tremble, “I come from a family of the Occult and I’ve been trying to break free.” I couldn’t muster up more than that, visibly shaken from my knees to my hands I stood in shock of the power that surrounded us. So much so that I almost fell over.
The Pastor reassured me that this was the power of our Lord, as He was present and heard me.
When I came up from the water, a loved one placed a towel around my shoulders and the shaking stopped just as abruptly as it had started. Everything felt calm, weightless. I knew my legs were moving as I walked back to my seat, but my focus was on the warmth I felt in my heart for the first time in my life. I felt love, peaceful love.
Like I said, it was surreal.
More on parenting with addiction from others:
Resources for recovery:
National Drug Helpline (US) CALL 1-888-633-3239