Speaking Out Is Never Easy
I have only touched lightly on some very real issues from my past, being an addict, struggling for years to come to terms with my mental health and PPD status and even very quickly on my experience practicing witchcraft, because frankly it’s not easy to spill the beans. Some of you may come here out of curiosity, reading a few words, skimming the rest and settling on your opinion far before you’ve heard the whole story. While others, others dive deep, either to support or shame me as they see fit.
I tell myself I am speaking up for those who can’t. I tell myself that God gave me this gift not for my own purpose but for His works to be done. I tell myself of course there will be haters.
But none of that makes it any easier. Especially not when that hate and judgement is the same voice I have fought against my entire life.
From Truth to Truth
When I was a young teen addicted to alcohol, Ritalin and heavily smoking laced marijuana, I was told I wouldn’t amount to anything, how could I if all I did was ruin my body and my future with these substances. I wish someone had told me, and more importantly what I want to tell others, is that your addictions do not define you or your future.
When I was struggling to make sense of the outbursts and irrational anger I tried and failed to bury deep down, I was met with “suck it up buttercup” responses, told to get my shit together, because that wasn’t “who I was.” What I wish someone had said to me, and what I want to tell other mothers, is that you are not at fault, you can not control a chemical imbalance caused by post partum depression, but you can get help for it and should seek help the minute you have concerns. Even the smallest signal, the slightest out of place thought, warrants a check up if you feel that something is off.
When I practiced dark magic, carelessly listening to demons who lead me away from God and down a path many family members had so willingly taken before me, I was met with interest as though I was a freak of some sorts on display to be mocked and poked at. What I wish someone had told me, and my biggest concern for others who seek this type of life, is that you can’t always walk away from choices you make when you sign your soul away. Think long and hard about your boundaries and never cross them, you’re not getting a tattoo or cool new badge to flash. The occult is a very surreal world to lose yourself in. Don’t do it light heartedly.
When three boys cornered me in a church bathroom, attempting to rape me only to be interrupted by another woman entering the restroom, I was told “no reports needed to be made because nothing happened.” Taking this event to a trusted family member only brought further confusion when they asked me, “why I let them follow me into the bathroom in the first place.” What I needed to hear and what I want to say to anyone, male or female, that has faced sexual assault and abuse is that you did nothing to warrant or provoke a predators actions. You are not at fault. A predator is someone who seeks out their victims in all walks of life, regardless of how they look, who they know and what they say or do. The victims are not to blame and if you want to fight, to share the truth you have every right to do so regardless of what happens to that predator.
I’m Not Your Hater
With all this said, I can not stress enough that I cast no judgement on others who don’t want to walk away from their vices, their abusers, their lifestyles. My message is not for you. My truths are for the ones who need and want to hear these words and never do, so they dive deeper into a life they hate because it’s all they have ever known.
Just the same, if you hear someone pour their heart out and your first thoughts are to be hateful, you need to do some soul searching. I have been there, filled with hate and refusing to heal. This world has enough hate in it, do yourself a favor and let it go.
Take it or leave it. I have nothing but love for all of you and wish you well.