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Parenting With Addiction: Pushing God Away

Part 2: Pushing God Away

Searching Through Thought

There has never been a time in my life when spirituality hasn’t been met with inquisitive, thoughtful curiosity.
This is pretty common. Most of you wander, just as I did, from idea to belief; waiting for something to make sense.
Always hearing about the sense of peace and joy that was just waiting around door number…

Well, that’s the whole mystery, isn’t it?
Which door leads to happiness?

That’s the mindset I had in my younger days. So long, lost in carelessness, but enjoying the sense of freedom and ultimately taking a big, naive bite of the apple. Eve’s Apple.

Photo Credit: slashthree.com

“I believe in something but I don’t feel comfortable calling it God.”

“There are lots of good people who don’t believe that there is only one way to salvation…”

– My Doubts

I would race around my mind, searching through questions and concerns for solid answers. Tentative in manner and slow to resolution.
If there is one thing I have become accustomed to; it’s managing a never ending thirst for knowledge.

Eventually I landed somewhere between believing in the Lord and choosing to ignore Him. I made it a point to push Him out of my life as often and casually as necessary.
I wouldn’t let myself get too carried away, telling myself I had boundaries. Just like with anything.
In short, would read some Tarots, collect ‘spirits’ and converse with any that came along peacefully. But I’d never touch a Ouji Board, I wouldn’t go looking for Satan or Demons… I just wanted to experiment and keep a low profile.

I honestly thought I had it figured out!

Assuming I could dance close enough to feel the heat of the flames without falling into the fire.

Be good
Spread good vibes
Let karma take control

Collect your happiness in a bucket with a hole

Coast Along
Eyes kept low
Dodge His judgements 

Watch the show

Collect your happiness in a bucket with a hole

Turn away
Push Him out
Don't forget the rules

Collect your happiness in a bucket with a hole 

Just Because You Can, Doesn’t Mean You Should

This lifestyle is addictive.
I noticed I was clinging to these ‘abilities’ as if they could actually bring me a sense of comfort. Falling right in line with the old cliché, “Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.
In a sense, it did bring some form of warmth, but it was a false comfort. No different than my drink or drug of choice at the time.
I spent a long time gathering experience as someone who lived day to day with the paranormal.
When it became too intense I would block it out with my addictions.
Afterall, the pattern was pretty set in its ways and I hadn’t yet seen the evidence I needed to believe I should be living any other way.

It wasn’t until years later that I realized and said out loud that I not only believed in the Lord, I had seen His work.
I lived everyday with no escape from the demons I thought I had befriended. They were guardians of my wishes, hopes and desires, feeding me energy I used to distract myself from what was really happening.

Eventually, it was seeing my husband turn off our television to read his Bible that brought me clarity.

Running From Guilt

At the time, it angered me.
I was upset that he was bringing the Bible into our house, let alone opening it and reading His words.
The Bible challenges everything that it is apart of the live freely without concern lifestyle.
From His commandments, to the surreal imagery painted by Apostles and Prophets who aim to guide us towards salvation….

It was the physical representation of everything I was running from. Everything I chose to deny in order to avoid the guilt of facing my sins.

Until I could admit that I had been wrong, living a lie and allowing it to affect my own daughter, I couldn’t get anywhere in life. Not spiritually, anyway.

Thankfully, I did eventually see the error of my ways.
It came one night when my daughter was tossed a good five feet down our hallway, only to get up and yell into the darkness as though she saw who threw her. The shadow man that wasn’t there.

By the next morning my world was new. My face raw with emotion. I had thrown out all my tools, the cards, the stones, even the guardians who dwelled in their statues, placed with heavy consideration at their posts.
I walked away from it all.

However, turning to the Lord, slowly opening your mind to His words, it’s not an easy task.
It forces you to look at yourself for who you are, naked and free from filters. You can’t lie to someone who is all knowing and you feel foolish for ever trying.
It had been so much easier to simply hide from Him. But standing by, letting my child come face to face with something dangerous was not an option.

I couldn’t push God away anymore, I couldn’t grow to overcome these habits I had created without Him and I didn’t want to.

For more words of faith from another Mama who gives her life to the Lord, check out this Guest Post by Nicole from My Casual Reflections.