Part 1: The Beckoning…
This post is not going to come easily. Just to get the gears going I had to comfort my kids with all their favorites, move the baby monitor to its prime location and hide myself away on the back patio outside our bedroom door. With what seemed like endless angles to approach this from (my brain throwing them out all too fast for me to process) I figure the best thing to do is to jump right into it. Ditching a screen for my pen. In this case, more accurately, my security. I learned one thing very clearly from addiction;
Never underestimate your old comforts.
TOOL - Sober
There's a shadow just behind me,
Shrouding every step I take,
Making every promise empty,
Pointing every finger at me.
Waiting like a stalking butler
Who upon the finger rests.
Murder now the path called "must we"
Just before the son has come.
Jesus, won't you fucking whistle
Something but the past and done?
Why can't we not be sober?
I just want to start this over.
Why can't we drink forever.
I just want to start things over.
I am just a worthless liar.
I am just an imbecile.
I will only complicate you.
Trust in me and fall as well.
I will find a center in you.
I will chew it up and leave,
I will work to elevate you
Just enough to bring you down.
Mother Mary won't you whisper
Something but what's past and done.
I want what I want.
Growing up, being in the outdoors always stuck with me.
The arms of the horizon comfort my heart as fresh air feeds my soul like the drugs fed my addiction.
From beautiful nights on the coastline of Oxnard, Ca. to long walks on a grey cold day in Texas; the weather has never been much of a factor in my choice whether to stay inside or not. (Admittedly not always one of my better traits.) Therefore, anyone familiar with the ideal weather of Arizona, (8 out of the 12 months of the year) can assure you that a person with a love for the outdoors would find a lot of comfort there. With all this time outside, came all the memories, good and bad. Then the habits. I had spent so much of my youth sneaking cigarettes that no matter how long I go without now, the thought is always apart of my day.
“No, you’re good. You don’t want to waste your money on that. Your babies need you healthy. …. and you know where it will lead.”-My limbic system.
Right back to my old comforts, my addictions. That’s where it leads. It sounds ridiculous, I know. I thank God everyday that He saw fit to assist my escape from it all, because of this I can step back with a sound mind to catch myself when I’m sinking. However, regardless of my strength to ignore the beckoning, it is still present. Ever and always present. I try my damnedest to maintain a distance. If only for my kids. Maybe, with His guidance I can even use it to teach my kids what not to do. Pay attention to its symptoms, if only to notice the warning signs in others. If I am really careful and keep to my guns, I can parent with addiction. It is always present after all.