All My Life
As long as I can remember, my mother was ‘the bad guy.’ More accurately, she was simply absent from my life. I was told about how she never stood much of a chance. Her own mother was abusive, suffered from serious mental illness and will spend her last days in a psych ward.
As you can imagine it’s clear that this isn’t going to be a happy, “I had the best Mom ever!” post. I won’t go into too much detail, but know that it is considered a blessing that my mother chose to walk away early on.
So, what can I say to a woman I never knew? How do I connect some form of relation to her given the fact that she gave me life, then left, leaving it all up to chance from there?
First, I want to say that I don’t blame you nor do I hate you. I don’t thrive with love for you like I do for my Grandmother who raised me, or my Dad who chose to confront his demons and get to know me. I don’t listen to everything I hear, from every mouth of source. I have based my emotional distance with you from what I have seen.
In the simplest of terms, I know you exist but I don’t know you.
I am reminded of you every time I look at my own daughters. I am reminded of the fact that they too came from you in some way. I am reminded in the late nights when I notice the darkness still scares me like it did when I was a child. How I used to beg for my parents to remember me, think of me and wonder if I was scared without them, maybe it would be enough to bring you back.
Again, I don’t blame you. You had your reasons to leave, I don’t imagine you sit in your own world and embrace the fact that you don’t know me. You don’t know your grandchildren, nor do you know the love they have to give to you should you ever choose to come by.
I am still not sure what I will tell my children about you, I know someday they will ask, and now that I am writing this I notice a strong sense of protection for my own. I am the mother who stayed, the one that broke the cycle of running away. I chose to avoid your mistakes and because of you I had already seen the route those can take. For that, in some twisted sense I thank you.