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A Letter to the PPD Struggling Mama: Trust Yourself

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Making Mountains out of Molehills

Too often I find myself stressing about the little parts of mothering. Making these simple happenings a great barrier between myself, my children and our day to day happiness.
I’m talking about my weakest moments as a mother.
Yelling at my older kids to hush, don’t wake the baby, go away so I can work and just give me one minute!
Yes, it’s harsh sounding, and it very much feels harsh the minute these unfortunate moments happen. Like word vomit, I immediately feel guilt and rush to correct my mistake with over consoling and apologizing, maybe even bribing them with a lollipop. But the guilt never really fades, it just lingers until it is eventually forgotten, waiting silently to pop back into my mind on those lonely, quiet bouts of insomnia.

“Am I ruining my kids? Will they remember all the times ‘mommy lost her cool’? How can I ever explain to them that I didn’t mean to sound rushed, exhausted and irritated…. I loved them, I wanted to sound like I loved them so much more than I do…!”
All valid concerns of a stressed out Mama.

Over and over I hear these thoughts among many others. Yet, in all the chaos of my own thoughts I hardly stop to consider all the many ways my children remind me that they are happy children, they do feel love and surprisingly understand their mother’s anger is not because of them, it’s just another one of mommy’s outbursts.
My oldest comes to me often with hugs and kisses, my toddler eagerly waking me with cuddles and excited eyes. My baby girl, my youngest little, always searching for me from room to room like my little shadow or biggest fan. These are not the actions of children who don’t love you. Children who are scared of you because they have seen you in the heat of your struggles with Postpartum Depression (PPD). Children are honest creatures, right?
A flower does not think of competing with the flower next to it.It just blooms. (1).png

Kid’s Are Honest

It’s fair to say they show me, honestly, each day that they are in fact well mannered, healthy minded and emotionally intelligent individuals. They see someone’s pain, in this case my own, and they recognize the moments when I need a hug. Just like I have done for them so many times from bumps and bruises to nurturing hearts after hearing hurtful words from friends.
In my moments of weakness I find myself excelling at doubt. Taking a speeding train towards all the awful thoughts that I am failing as a mother, a nurturer and a rock for my children to rely on. It’s easy to do, of course like many other struggles it is very hard to back out of.
So the best I can do is look to my littles for the evidence, it won’t take long to see these thoughts are not only toxic, but untrue.
My weakest moments happen, and my kids have seen them as much as I have tried to keep them at bay. However, just like many mother’s before me, I haven’t destroyed my children with these struggles.
I want other mother’s to take a moment to remember your kids still love you! They show you every day just as mine do, with kisses and calls from across the house. They still need you, even in your darkest hour and that can be a blessing! A reminder for why we face these struggles head on and never give up.
Don’t let that speeding train derail your ambitions as a mother. Trust in yourself and know that this too shall pass.
With all the love in my heart, I pray that you all find some comfort today, be it a simple smile from your little or the grace of God presenting itself in your life.
You Got This Mama! We all have struggles, take a moment to remember that you are still awesome!
For more amazing words of courage and comfort check out the links bellow:
16 Moms Share Supportive Messages For Others Struggling With Postpartum Depression
10 Things To Say To A Mom Struggling With PPD
Motherhood and Mental Illness; Opening Up During Suicide Prevention Month