Does this sound familiar…
Its midnight, everyone’s sleeping schedules have been way off track (partly because you find yourself completely unmotivated to corrected this issue) and all you want is for the house to shut down, shut-up and give you a minute to be yourself.
A moment to think about what you want to do and to stop stretching all your focus on one of your many multi-mama-tasks. You know, the times when you are combining bath-time, cooking dinner, cleaning a random stain in the hall and grabbing that drink your husband asked for ten minutes ago.
Don’t worry! Even the Supermoms have these moments. I mean, if you haven’t’ had at least three of these nights within your first year are you even really momming? Haha, que nervous laughter.
So how do we survive it?
Well, I’m currently hiding in a corner of my bedroom, listening to my favorite television show and pouring my heart out to you lovelies, my readers. Some moms bust out all the stops and take a mom-cation to the Bahamas, others get their relief from calling in a friend just to have some help even if they are still technically in mom mode.
All of these are great!
But once break-time is over its back to the chaos that covers mothering like a poorly tied ribbon. Truth is, sometimes these mini vacations aren’t an option, sometimes we need a way out during the thick of the moment. That’s when I sweep everything under the rug, slap a reminder on my phone and move on to the next task.
As much as I hate to admit it, I don’t put 100% of myself in everything I do. I am not one of those Supermoms. I have left dishes soaking overnight, towels on the bathroom floor and even leftovers out on the stove… knowingly! I know, how taboo! Eh, tis life.
Now, I didn’t get to this point overnight. I was one stubborn woman when I started my mothering journey. Whether it was how to properly clean every corner of the home or considering giving my baby a taste of ice cream, you can bet I was going to research and meticulously come to an educated decision. For the most part there is nothing wrong with trying to be educated and looking out for your family and your home.
However, I used to stress myself out running mad trying to get every single task completely before I allowed myself to be me for a while. Eventually I reached a point where I didn’t know who I was anymore. That is just no way to live! I knew I had talents and passions, or at least I did once upon a time, but did I still? I loved my kids, my family and overall being a mother, but there was more to me than that, right?
Yes, absolutely there was.
My only comfort at the time was hearing others say how common it is to lose yourself trying to be the poster woman for a caring mother, especially in the first few years. After-all, you are putting all of yourself into caring for another human being that is completely dependent on you. I suppose that if I was going to forget who I was for any reason that is the best of them all.
I wanted to reach my full potential and feel like myself again.
Unfortunately, I had no idea how to achieve this. I felt so much doubt within myself, my ability to be a good mother and a proper wife, let alone a woman of God. I had submersed myself in a world of empty thoughts accompanied by even emptier habits. As if this was not enough, my husband and daughter were starting to notice. In a tone of concern, my husband was following, “Good-morning honey!” with “Hey, are you feeling alright? You don’t look like you got much sleep?”
My daughter was running to Daddy when in need because, well… Mommy was grumpy. It seemed like the more I tried to stop and focus on my family’s needs, the more aggravated I became. Knowing I wasn’t able to keep up was so foreign to me! I had excelled at so much in my life up until now. So how was it that being a parent was any different? I knew what I wanted when I was a kid, I read the baby books, the parenting life hacks…. what was my deal?!
Hormonal Imbalance. Lack of Faith. Total Isolation.
The perfect mix for a woman on the edge. But this is a real part of motherhood. Many women experience this, not always as openly as I had, but in one way or another. Sometimes its a quick spell, other times it lasts years. Truth of the matter is that Motherhood is full of many different flavors, some of them more bitter than we could have imagined when we were still in the baby naming stage. This isn’t to say its not all worth it though. Something about all these ugly moments are what lead to the cherry on top of it all. No really! Its super cheesy but its true.
The ugly moments seem to make the sweet ones all that much sweeter. Loss of self, messy kitchens, cluttered thoughts, I wouldn’t trade a day of it if it means losing the beauty that is my life as a mother. If there is one thing I want for my children to know its that no matter how awful I felt, how discouraged I became or what life threw at us, I wanted it. I wanted the good, the bad and the ugly. A family with real ups and downs that can bring us closer.